Dear Dr. Pam,
I’m really worried and a bit upset by my boyfriend’s behaviour. I’ve been seeing him for three months. The only time we have sex is when he’s quite drunk. A few times I’ve been round his at the weekend before going out and being the randy chick that I am, I’ve tried to get him in bed. He just won’t do anything until we’ve been out and he’s had quite a bit to drink. Is it me? Does he need beer-goggles to sleep with me? Janey, 24
Let me assure you this is so not about you, it’s definitely about him and his fears about being a good-enough lover. We tend to make a massive assumption that men have got sex sussed. Even if they’re not very good lovers, we assume they think they are.
Nothing could be further from the truth. And some men are absolute quivering jellies [sometimes reflected in a jelly-like penis] when it comes to worrying about pleasing their girlfriend. Men do all sorts of different things to relax these anxieties and it sounds like your boyfriend uses alcohol to relax himself. This is not a good use for alcohol – because too much alcohol and he risked brewers droop and it can become a risky pattern of relying on alcohol in the face of any anxiety.
It’s definitely time after three months together he learns to relax and be confident around you. Try boosting his ego outside of the bedroom. “Big him up” whenever you see the opportunity – a compliment here and there can give him a positive feeling. You can do this easily by complimenting him saying how much you enjoy being around him.
Let’s not forget the hottest and sexiest way of boosting his confidence – by telling him exactly what he does that feels fantastic in bed. In lashings of delicious detail, e.g., praise the way he gently strokes up your thighs, etc. Reverse this too and say you really want to please him and you’d love him to tell you what he likes. This kind of positivity in bed will naturally lift his confidence.
The more confident he starts to feel the less likely he’ll turn to that extra pint to feel secure enough to get you into bed. Good luck, Pamx
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