I’ve made a terrible mistake with a married man….
Dear Dr. Pam,
Please help me. I’m 28 and should’ve known better but I’ve made a terrible mistake and had a fling with a married man. Not only did his wife find out and I’ve had to put up with a nasty phone call from her but he’s completely rejected me after promising that he’d leave her.
We had an amazing sex life and I thought he was so bored with her that he was going to come and live with me. I lost a couple friends over it because they thought I was behaving so badly. How can I turn back the clock? I’d never get involved with him if I could. Amelia X
I can read regret running through every word of yours and surprise, surprise here we have a case of a man that doesn’t want to leave his supposedly “boring” wife. Sadly I’d be rich if I was given a pound every time…
The fact you’ve had friends give up on you over this tells me it was some kind of crazy behaviour on your part or they weren’t really friends. Usually friends are pretty accepting of these things even if they don’t approve.
It’s definitely time to make a fresh start and put this deeply unhappy episode behind you. But first a word of warning: don’t be tempted [because you’re feeling lonely and hard done by inside] by him if he suddenly rings you and wants to meet up again for some of that hot sex you offered him on tap.
This cycle often develops even when a man’s been caught out. It’s a hiding to heartbreak-hell if you give in to him. No matter how tempted you are remember he won’t leave his wife, he’ll just want sex. Keep repeating that to yourself. While you’re repeating this throw in the fact you’ll never go out with a married man again.
Next, while you’re healing inside, reconnect with your girlfriends by reaching out to them. Tell them you know how badly you behaved and you’d like to meet up. If they won’t, then you’ll need to be on the lookout for new friends.
While you’re getting over this episode enjoy some quality time with friends that’s got nothing to do with men. The last thing you should do is lurch into another fling or relationship. Also get rid of any reminders of him so you’re not pining after him – married men tend to give funny little gifts as a reminder of a particularly hot night together – bin them! I have every confidence you’ll move on, Pamx
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