Dear Dr. Pam,

I’ve never had much luck when it comes to men and relationships. Quite frankly I get bored pretty quickly and also haven’t had much pleasure in bed. Whether it’s the sort of man I’m drawn to, or just bad luck, none of them have known how to pleasure me very well.

Recently I had a one-night stand and had the best sex I’ve ever experienced. It was like I suddenly let go and told him exactly what I wanted. He then did as I asked. It all seemed so easy and uncomplicated. Is there anything wrong with me having more of these one-night stands? Marianne

young couple in bedHi Marianne,

You’re far from the first woman [and occasional man] who’ve told me that on a one night stand they finally let go and ‘asked’ for what they really wanted in bed. Some people discover they have more sexual confidence when they think it doesn’t mean anything and that they might not see that person again. They get an “anything goes” mindset and let go of any sexual shyness or inhibitions.

There’s nothing wrong with you having more one-night stands on three conditions:

1st, that you don’t put yourself in any dangerous situation by picking up a stranger. That means not picking up any old person when you’ve had too much to drink at a club, etc. It means scoping them out so you know a bit about them before you invite them back to yours.

2nd, that you practise safer sex and use condoms. This is crucial but unfortunately too many people have one night stands when they’re drunk.

And 3rd, that you look after yourself emotionally. Too many one-night stands and you may end up feeling bitter regret. Having lots of them can sometimes come back to bite you when you least expect it – you feel your self worth has been drained out of you.

Also your email tells me you find it hard to communicate what you want sexually – yet it’s important to learn to do so with someone you’re emotionally attached to. And not just with a casual fling.

If you keep having one-night stands it’s unlikely you’ll learn how to communicate those things to a long-term partner. Think about that. Maybe you should get to know someone slowly, build up good communication during foreplay, and then you’ll enjoy this careless abandon with someone that you know and care for.

Just a thought, best wishes, Pamx

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