Dear Dr. Pam,

I was wondering if you could clear something up for me; my friend told me that she has sex with her boyfriend up to five times a night and he ejaculates every time. But when I have sex with my boyfriend he has only ever come twice in the same night and sometimes he finds it hard to stay erect if we have had sex the previous night.

article-2508562-03F2ABDC000005DC-484_634x422He doesn’t have an STD and when I told him about my friend’s boyfriend he said she must be lying.

I love him and don’t want him to feel inadequate – can you tell me what is ‘normal’ please? Jennifer, 20

Dear “What’s normal”,

I’m glad to hear from you because it gives me the chance to clarify a few points that lots of women need to know.

First off, it’s important never to tell a man about another man’s “performance”. I know you didn’t mean any harm but men take these things so badly. So he immediately takes that as a judgement on him when you mention your friend’s boyfriend being at it all night like a rabbit.

Secondly, never believe what your girlfriends say when it comes to that sort of thing – they can exaggerate as much as men can! Does she really count? Does she know it’s been five times every night? Yes of course she might do because she does count but at the same time she may be exaggerating.

Next, even if it’s true that her boyfriend can have sex five times a night there’s no such thing as a “normal” amount. What’s important is that the individual couple is happy and satisfied with their sex-life.

One couple may be happy having sex once a-night, another five times, and another once a month. Don’t raise this again, instead praise him when he turns you on so he does more of what gets you going.

Finally, I’m not sure why you mentioned STIs (sexually transmitted infections) but I guess you think there might be a link between him not wanting a lot of sex and him having an infection. Yes if he had an STI, that made him uncomfortable, that certainly would make sex less enjoyable.

I always say you can never be too careful and it’s good to get an STI ‘screen’ – because some can be symptomless (at least for a time).

Take care, Pam x

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