Dear Dr. Pam,

Please help, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1 year now and he’s recently gone into the army. Whenever we talk on the phone he always wants phone sex and goes on about all sorts of things in details.

2014-04-10-10-55-07He says that phone sex is good for us both but I don’t agree! It makes me feel a bit embarrassed and I definitely feel shy saying things in detail.

I love him very much and miss him terribly but if I don’t enjoy it should I still do this for him? I’m beginning to wonder if he just wants me for the sex? Lily, 23

Dear “Phone sex turnoff”,

It sounds to me that he’s a normal, red-blooded, long-distance boyfriend. He simply wants to maintain the sexual side of your relationship while he’s away. Particularly with the fact that he’s in the army he’s probably very aware of the simple pleasures in life – and that includes a little bit of sexy chat on the phone.

If from start to finish, when you do talk to each other, the whole conversation is about sex I can imagine you’re feeling a bit uncomfortable about it. But if he’s happy to talk about other things too, as well as having phone sex, I see nothing wrong with it.

In fact it can be positively good for your relationship. Just let him know what sort of sexy chat makes you feel randy and what turns you off. Tell him you’d like to take it slowly and build your confidence. It is possible to take a few steps backwards and ‘restart’ things like phone sex.

Finally if inside you feel it’s wrong or dirty to talk about sex with the man you love on the phone, then I wonder if you got these messages from your parents? Parents can sometimes make you feel that sex is dirty – and we take this negative attitude into adulthood. Tell yourself you have a right to sexual enjoyment and keep giving yourself a positive message about it rather than worrying it’s something you shouldn’t do.

I hope your confidence builds and that you have well-rounded conversations with him – from what you’re both up to, to what you’d both like to get down to if you were together.

Relax and have fun with it, Pam

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