Dear Dr. Pam,
There’s this guy I really like and we flirt quite a bit but my friend (who knows him quite well) has warned me about him. She says he’s really into playing the field and has even read books that tells you how to pick up women.
From my minimal research I think he seems to have used a few tricks from such a book on me. Thing is, I really like him and I want to get to know him better but I don’t want to get caught up in his game playing. How do I get closer to him? Thank you!!
Dear “Gameplaying magnet”,
Oh dear it sounds like you’re falling for his tricks and game-playing. This is the thing about these guys, they’re like a magnet to us – we’re drawn into their world of: “does he like me more than the other girls? Will I be the special one?”
It’s an age-old fact (maybe not quite a fact but you know what I mean) that this can be quite irresistible.
The problem is it’s often when we have lower self-esteem that we get lured by their little tricks into unhappy relationships. Because when we have rock solid self-esteem we look at these guys two ways: “I only want a bit of fun and he looks like fun.” In this case women with high self-esteem just enjoy it for what it is.
Or they think “I don’t need this in my life, I’m worth better than his game-playing and I want to find a really good man.”
Maybe you’re hovering between these two places? It’s like a lovely box of chocolates – you dip in and enjoy some but know if you keep going back and enjoy it too much you’re likely to face the consequences.
Here are a few pointers:
*By all means keep seeing him but expect the worst. See him for what he is – someone who probably has his good points but also little respect for women.
*Keep repeating this to yourself if you continue to see him. It’s easy to start forgetting the ground rules for this – you have to be realistic as it’s probably only a bit of fun for him.
*Don’t go into dating him believing you’ll be the one to change him. You may be an amazing woman but you probably won’t be the one who changes him. These guys sometimes change but often much later in life when they decide that they want some stability and/or children.
*If you start getting fed up with his inconsistent behaviour – because normally that’s what these guys do – say one thing and sometimes do it. The other times they don’t do it. That’s the time to ask yourself why you’re still seeing him. Why do you want this inconsistency? Do you get something out of the drama?
Those are big questions and it’s not just you in this situation but everyone should explore such questions about their needs and expectations when it comes to relationships.
You could try a bit of reverse psychology – play it cool, etc. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t – only you can decide if you’ve got the patience to find out.
Take care of yourself, Dr Pam x
Dr Pam’s new book The Emotional Eater’s Diet – Understand your emotions and become a healthy weight for life! Is out now.
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