Dear Dr. Pam,

I feel like a freak because I’m always the one to initiate sex with my partner. It makes me think  there’s something wrong with me or with him and I’m starting to hate initiating it. You grow up thinking men will hit on you for sex but after six years together it’s the opposite.


When we get around to having sex it’s always great. But he never looks for sex. It seems he would go for months without it. What’s happening? This is really hitting my self-confidence and we are heading for arguments, I’m losing patience. I want to feel as if he wants me. Thank you! Gerri

Dear “Wants to feel womanly”,

I can tell you’re feeling extremely put out and upset by this situation. First let me stress that you have a really, really good starting point for sorting this out. And that’s because when you do have sex it’s great! Hang on to that thought while trying to sort this out.

Many women in your situation [and often men] find that when they’re the ones that initiate sex their partner gives in to them halfheartedly. Thankfully this isn’t the case for you as this is completely demoralising. It’s also a much more difficult situation to face.

Let’s look at a myth: men are always going to initiate sex. This is a myth, it’s simply not true! Now let’s look at a truth: many men fall into a routine where they’re very comfortable in their relationship. They don’t have a particularly high sex drive but when sex is offered [read that as “initiated”] they enjoy it.

And because sex is great in your case – or comfortable, cosy and easy for many other couples -their needs are satisfied by this relaxed rhythm. They don’t feel the pressure to initiate – especially when their partner (as you do) initiates.

Sometimes at the heart of this a man doesn’t want to seem too demanding – this doesn’t sound like the case for you since it must be obvious to him that you want sex. Sometimes it’s due to laziness….er, this sounds more like your case.

I recommend you begin by encouraging anything that resembles an “advance” on his part – the minute he goes to give you a hug, snuggle right up to him.

The minute he says anything complementary then turn on a little flirting back to him.

Turn up the heat by learning to tease him a bit – make suggestive flirty remarks. Even touch and caress him while you’re watching TV – as if you’re doing it absentmindedly – but make sure you slide your fingertips over his erogenous zones.

Basically these little moves might help get him aroused – but don’t do all the work for him by taking it to the next level – make it obvious you want him to touch you back.

When you two are in a good mood [definitely not after a row] tell him how feminine, attractive and womanly you would feel if he would occasionally “hit on you”.

Best of luck, Dr Pam x

Dr Pam’s new book The Emotional Eater’s Diet – Understand your emotions and become a healthy weight for life! Is out now.

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