Dear Dr. Pam

I’m in my 30s and I have never been attracted to older men. But a few months ago I met a guy who is in his late 50s and really like how mature and inelegant he is. When he asked me out, I said yes! We had a fantastic first date and I really fell for him.

Since then we’ve been going on regular dates and we’ve became close. Although he told me that he really likes me, our relationship was mainly emotional, not so much physical.

But a couple of weeks ago he invited me to go to a hotel or a long weekend. We had an amazing time and finally had sex. Everything was going well but the day we were leaving, I was packing our stuff and discovered some Viagra pills in one of his bags.

Viagra: the NHS could make major savings by using generic versions of the drug.

I was really shocked and felt bad because it suddenly hit me how much older he is. And I’m worried something like that can’t be the start of a healthy and satisfying sexual life. Should I be worried and should I talk to him about it? Carla

Dear “Viagra worries”,

To be honest I’m not sure how you came across his pills in one of his bags – were you supposed to be in it or were you nosing around? If you were snooping you can either come clean, apologise for snooping, and open up the conversation (if he seems up for chatting) with something straightforward like how long have you been taking them for?

You might find he’s more interested in chatting about your snooping – at least it gets this topic out there. Or you can put it out of your mind [because you were snooping] until at some point in the future he mentions it.

If this was a genuine error and he expected you to go in his bags then I wonder if [at least subconsciously] he was hoping you’d find them. That’d be one way for you to find out supposedly ‘accidentally’.

But here’s another consideration – if you came across them innocently and you mention it to him – he may not be bothered at all. If he has a medical reason to take them then there’s absolutely nothing for him to be embarrassed about.He might feel he takes them and that’s his business.

If it’s not about a medical need, and he’s buying them because he has some sort of ‘performance anxiety’ around you as a younger woman, he might feel embarrassed. But that’s still something you two need to address if this relationship’s going to last.

Normally I give ‘suggestions and strategies’ for people to try but I have a few more thoughts for you:

I’m surprised it takes Viagra to really flag up the large age gap between you – I would’ve thought that was very apparent as it was. I wonder if part of you is now looking for some excuses to back out. And you worrying about him being “so old” as to need Viagra is one excuse [btw, many young men need it for various medical reasons].

I also think since things have been deepening to the point where you’ve been spending so much time together – topped off by a long weekend in a hotel – it’s time to be able to talk honestly with each other anyway.

It’s easy to avoid the difficult conversations and try and skim along on the ‘happy surface’ of a new relationship. But if you’re ever going to have a full-on, lasting relationship you need to learn how to discuss these things.

Either way I think it’s time you and he had deeper conversations. Obviously when/if you or he raises the Viagra you need to be tactful and let him know what a great time you’ve been having with him.

Go in with confidence and a caring-vibe and you’re likely to have a successful conversation.

Fingers crossed it goes really well, Dr Pam x

Dr Pam’s new book The Emotional Eater’s Diet – Understand your emotions and become a healthy weight for life! Is out now.

Visit my Website – life, love & sex advice at your fingertips I’m finally on Twitter  but have never been on FaceBook.

 

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