Dear Dr Pam,
I’m 21 and lost my virginity on my last birthday. Second boyfriend later and I’ve still never had an orgasm.
Even by myself I find it hard to orgasm, maybe because when I was younger I was discouraged from talking about anything sexual and my own shyness makes me think I shouldn’t be looking up how to solve this.
I try to let go, especially when my boyfriend has a go but I’m that much of a control freak that it eventually gets too intense for me and I have to ask him to stop. He’s the first in a long time that hasn’t seen my lack of climaxes as a challenge, and we do have really good sex, but I just want to be able to sit back and enjoy it. I am happy to get him there, but sometimes feel bad and wonder if he feels inadequate. Thanks!
Dear “can’t get close”,
I’m glad you got in touch because so many women reading this will have the same experiences. Most women find it tricky, if not difficult, to climax during penetrative sex. Many find it easier to reach orgasm through oral sex because they have more control over what their partner tries.
You’re undoubtedly right that the sexual attitudes in your upbringing have left you uncomfortable about enjoying sex. So for starters it’s important to combat any feelings that you ‘shouldn’t’ enjoy it, or that it’s ‘bad’, or there’s something ‘wrong’ with the way you want to enjoy sex.
Definitely fight any such thoughts – literally stop them in their tracks. Substitute them with much more calming and confidence-boosting things like, “it’s okay for me to let go,” and, “I’ll find what works for me.”
Next you need to boost your sex-perimentation when on your own. Glad to hear you’ve tried self-pleasure but it’d be good to try it again with these tips:
*As you experiment, think positive thoughts about it. Tell yourself it’s a good thing to have a healthy sex life.
*Choose a time when you won’t get interrupted and can enjoy yourself. Also some women find masturbating in the shower or bath is more pleasurable then in bed. Do what works for you!
*Definitely try stimulating yourself with some of the vibrators that work really well for women, e.g., like those with a smoother/flatter end that can give you good clitoral stimulation without it being too intense.
*Also get creative and try things like getting friction from a pillow between your legs as many women report works well for them.
Finally when you’re with your partner try and recreate any successful stimulation you’ve had from self pleasure.
And try the “girls on top” position where you’re lying on top of him. Tell him you’d like to control the pressure, friction and speed of his movement and thrusting. Turn it into some sexy chat where you’re having fun “bossing him around”.
If you’re still unsatisfied it’d be worth considering sex therapy to help you enjoy a full sex life.
Best wishes, Dr Pam x
Dr Pam’s new book The Emotional Eater’s Diet – Understand your emotions and become a healthy weight for life! Is out now.
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