Dear Dr Pam,

Hello I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He has been doing all the work in the bed.

When I try to do some of it and get on top of him he says it is uncomfortable. I want to please him but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Can you help me????


Dear “What am I doing wrong”,


Okay, let’s get something straight – enough of the “doing something wrong” attitude. One easy route to stress in the bedroom is to believe there are ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ ways of doing things. Start thinking in terms of what works for you both – what works is the key word.


Even then, what works for you some of the time might not work all of the time. And it might not work for him – and vice versa. Enjoying lush sex – that seems hot to both of you – is about going with the flow at any particular time.


Start adopting a new attitude to sex. Each time you end up in the middle of foreplay – and it’s heading into full-on sex – respond to the way you’re both feeling at that moment – passionate, chilled out, a bit wild, a bit needy, etc. You’ll both enjoy sex so much more.


Yes, of course, you’ll both have your favourite things that you like having done to you, or that you like doing. But apart from that let the mood guide you.


Try these tips:

*You mention going on top of him – and that’s a great position for women to reach climax – but many men don’t find it comfortable. Try variations: you on top of him, lying in a ‘reverse’ missionary type position (because classic missionary he’s on top). Try having his legs between yours – or your legs between his (that gives a tight grasp – maybe too tight for him, mind you).


Or try sitting astride him, facing him. Or sitting astride him but facing his feet. If he’s a man who loves your bum then he’ll love that one!


*Defo, vary it. From an on-top position you could move into a position where you face each other on your sides. You can vary how you use your legs – wrap one around his waist or lower down his legs. Try tightening them up to give more friction.


*Make it a little sex game taking turns telling each other exactly how you want to be touched. Close your eyes, cuddle up, and whisper that you’d like his touch to be firmer, softer, quicker, slower, etc. And he can do the same thing.


* Share your fantasies but always be tactful about it. Don’t tell you wish he was a member of your fave band! Instead put him centre stage in your fantasy – tell him you fantasise that, e.g., he’s a naughty neighbour who’s called round to borrow something but starts flirting like mad. Describe in delicious detail how you’d seduce him right there in the sitting room.


Finally, relax and have fun. It’s never helpful to take sex too seriously and get stressed out about it. Giggle if something doesn’t quite work – but always giggle together and not laugh at each other.


Make sure you have plenty of time for sex-perimentation – a quickie can be fantastic – but most of the time feel like you can chill out and really enjoy each other.


Have fun, Dr Pam x


Dr Pam’s new book The Emotional Eater’s Diet  – Understand your emotions and become a healthy weight for life!Is out now.

On Twitter @drpamspurr  and also visit her website here