Our love and sex expert Dr’s Pam Spurr tackles your dilemmas.
Dear Dr. Pam,
I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for a year and I wanted to surprise him. My local pub was offering lap-dancing classes so I took a class and practiced a routine. It was so much fun!
Once I was feeling confident I decided to surprise him. I set the scene in my flat and put on my sexiest outfit. When he came over I turned down the lights and told him I had a show for him.
I actually felt nervous but I was determined to do it. When I started he began to giggle. Then he couldn’t stop giggling. I ended up feeling a complete idiot.
We had a big row and now he’s begging me to talk to him because I haven’t returned his calls. I feel I could never put myself out there like this again for him.
But I’m really upset that our relationship might finish over this when I don’t really want it to. Why do you think he laughed at my lap dancing? I’d love some advice, Cheryl
Dear “lap dancing laughter”
I want to say a massive ‘good for you’ for getting out there and trying something different. So many women wish they had the nerve to let go and have a little fun.
And just because he reacted in a tactless way (more on him in a moment) it doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good thing for you to do.
You obviously intended it to be a lap-dance and not a laugh-dance. And now isn’t the time to feel paranoid that he was laughing at you. From what you say I think he was probably laughing with nerves seeing that you were nervous. At least I hope so.
I know how much nerves are catching and nervous laughter can take over when the person actually feels empathy for you. So you could look at his reaction this way: it shows how much he cared about the fact that you were nervous that your nerves spread to him.
Plus you need to look at the proof that he probably didn’t want to make you feel bad because he desperately wants to make up with you. I think you should give him a chance to explain in person.
Ask him to come over and talk about it. I bet you’ll find he was only concerned about you and that made him nervous and giggly. Particularly in sexual situations if a man doesn’t have a great deal of confidence he can get nervous too.
Once you’ve got it sorted don’t put yourself under pressure to get experimental until you’re ready to. Allow your confidence to rebuild and once the trust is strong between you two look at something fun to try together.
Maybe you could try a role-play where he pretends to be a male stripper? You’d have to promise him though that you weren’t planning to get your own back by laughing at him.
Also please don’t judge your whole sex life on the fact that your lap-dancing ‘event’ backfired slightly – ultimately it might make you two stronger by understanding each other’s feelings more.
There can be a positive side to giggling when something backfires for a couple they end up having a good giggle. Laughing together helps you accept it’s not the end of the world that something didn’t work in bed.
That’s far better than both of you getting anxious and upset if something you try doesn’t go to plan.
Good luck, Dr Pam x
Dr Pam’s new book The Emotional Eater’s Diet – Understand your emotions and become a healthy weight for life! Is out now.
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